Mellow Me

I'm kinda feeling mellow right now, not too sure why to be honest... I've started up a new project but as such I always hate the waiting stage to see how many people are interested / doing it. I love getting my hands dirty and gearing everyone together.

Plus there's a lack of people online, it just seems to be me in a void. I could be lonely, missing someone to say "hi" or talk to physically. Sometimes writing words, although easier for me, isn't as meaningful. Who knows...

There's a funeral I'm going to on Friday, kinda subdued about that and about work. I've definately given up on it, it's just killing me slowly, hence I do these projects, they make me alive, make me feel like a normal human being.

There was a time when I was in the kitchen, scrubbing away and someone asked me about my books. And I talked and talks and both of the women listened with interest, sure they're reporters and they were probably thinking about their shopping lists for tomorrow, but they generally looked interested and for those 30 minutes it felt like I was a normal person.

People say never to judge yourself by the job, but in society, in everything you do. I don't know what I want to do next as a job. I'd love to make writing books full time, without work they'd definately be no distractions or dulling of my mind, but without work I would never be inspired by someone's comments whilst walking on the stairs, someone interacting with me.

Marcus did a really good introduction for me. It's still being drafted but I read it last night and he's got me off to a tea. He says at work I buzz around like I'm in my own little world and I'm like that always, always buzzing, always imagining. I imagine the future, the hopes, my dreams, everything... if they come true then I'll be happy and content. If they don't... will I ever be the same man as I am now? 50 years of hoping but never receiving? We'll have to see. But I'll definately keep writing, even if I have to publish every single written piece of work on my own money. Someday, sooner or later, people will know of Mike Rouse-Deane, people will walk down the street talking of my name, people will know me for me! Someday!